Pronoun Correspondence

The following is an exchange with a disgruntled parent who after observing a youth class took issue with our use of pronouns during introductions. I understand this person's perspective to be quite widespread, though also it may be difficult to stomach with out broader context—tread lightly!

Perhaps no inroads were made with this person, but for me it was a useful exercise to articulate some of why this choice is consistent both with my understanding of the practice we hold and the values we express as a community. 

Nov 13, 2024 

Hi ****,

I'd say have another look at our schedule and take note of our 3 youth classes to see if those would work with your current schedule - I know how chaotic schedules can be with kids! We have two ourselves:)  But it's good to keep in mind that we do ask that all of our members train at least twice a week. Just keep us posted on when you plan to come and watch.    *We will be out of town for an aikido seminar this Fri & Sat Nov 15 & 16 so those days won't work for observation.

Best,

Hannah

Nov 18, 2024 

Hi Hannah,

We attended practice on Saturday. 

It was great until the end, at which point, your instructor circled the kids up, went around and did names and pronouns. 

Why?

Is that part of Aikido? Is that what 5 years old need?

The answers were telling. Some kids said He/Them and She/Them, indicating a clear confusion. 

My son is 5. He truly doesn’t understand what makes boys boys and girls girls. Nor should he at this age. Why anyone in their right mind would push this agenda in this venue to this age group is beyond me.  

This is the issue that put Donald Trump in the White House. Do you realize that his most popular campaign was She is for They/Them, He is for YOU, accounted for 30% of his budget? And was wildly successful. 

You’re splitting your available customer base by more than half. You lost us. Imagine how many others won’t have the guts to speak up. 

Thank you,

**

Nov 19, 2024 

****,

Thank you for taking the time to follow up and express your concerns. I'm a little behind in correspondence after some travel this weekend (the reason we weren't at the dojo when you visited), but would like to respond more fully to see if I can offer some context. For now just acknowledging the message was received, more to follow.

Galen

Nov 19, 2024 

Hi Galen,

Thanks for your conscientious response. I look forward to hearing more from you once you’ve had a chance to get settled.

Respectfully,

**

Dec 2, 2024 

****,

Thank you for your patience with my reply to your original message.

Your main question as I understood it was: What does the way we introduce ourselves at the end of practice have to do with aikido? Happy to dive in a bit here to create some context in case there is something you would like to give further scrutiny, or just to discuss further. 

The entire conceit of Japanese Budo is as a vehicle for personal growth and transformation, and so budo training at its core does suggest a challenge to the identities we carry onto the mat as students. You will find that every aikido dojo/teacher is different in regards to what things they prioritize in this regard. Our community happily stands on the principle that aikido is for everyone, though inevitably not for all. At some most fundamental level this practice requires an engagement with what kind of person one wants to be; and a subsequent cultivation of sought after or desirable qualities. 

The choice to include pronouns during formal introductions after training serves the same purpose as requesting that new students schedule a time to observe class before participating. Each of these decisions inevitably rub some people the wrong way, while remaining benign to others. As comforting as the use of pronouns is for some people it is just as unnerving or intimidating for others. I initially saw the inclusion of pronouns in formal introductions at the dojo as an imposition on the practice, as I had understood it—I was attached to the notion of a dojo being someplace where “worldly issues” remain outside. In further inquiry, I came to see the absurdity of that idea; how can we do anything but bring our whole selves to the mat?

I appreciate you taking the time and yes, courageous step of speaking up about something that did not feel right. If I were to infer another message from your email it is that you did not feel welcome—which is the opposite outcome as what was conceived. It sounded like you had been enjoying yourself up to the point of these introductions, I can imagine the feeling of shock when that changed. In some ways, the kids have it much easier than the adults. They are as you observed early in the process of making sense of what it means to be a person, and to exist in relationship with other humans. Adults I find bring much more to unpack.

As far as the politics of it all, if I understand correctly you expressed concern about some of the forces that lead to a Trump victory. I don’t disagree that he won in large part due to the charge that swirls around identity. I wonder if I see things a bit differently though in terms of the cause of his success. It seems to my mind that the very appropriate fear elicited by questions around identity is being weaponized against people—rather than being used inservice of our liberation as I believe it can and should be. The ongoing threat as I see it is not in a movement to acknowledge the human rights of the trans community, but rather from our inability to discern when we are being misled to acting against our own self interest (all the while imagining ourselves to be free). 

I am skeptical at this point of any political analysis that seeks to explain the movement of power in our society by blaming the very people who disproportionately experience harm at the expense of power. Mobilizing our fears and hanging them on an ever-changing other for us to dehumanize ever further is both simple and effective, as has been demonstrated again and again throughout human history. 

We remain easy to shove from one moral panic to another. 

True analysis, between two people who disagree, is discouraged and unsupported. You would get no argument from me that people, as a direct result of this weaponization, are hesitant to speak out about what they believe—or even more important, to give voice to the necessary confusion we must sort through to discern the convictions we are willing to stand up for and take meaningful action on behalf of in the world. I think it is careful and deliberate work to proceed in this way, to begin to dissect on a personal level what makes us react one way, or another. 

Back to maybe your initial question: discernment is at the heart of martial practice—to not condition ourselves into further unconscious action through rote memorization or empty fantasy (positive or negative), but to undo layers of conditioning that grow reactive and stiff without constant care. We come to the dojo to address the self and the development of one, tension is encountered and released so that our action in the world can become clearer and more skilled. 

In a martial context we study the importance of cultivating appropriate threat response. Perhaps the quandary I would kick back to you, one that I am genuinely stumped by, is what the perceived danger is from greater tolerance of gender expression? And even more specifically, I am genuinely curious what the perceived danger is of children having space to ask questions about identity rather that being shepherded into unexamined conventions. If these conventions are so fragile as to not be able to withstand scrutiny, then yes, maybe we deserve a chance to imagine better. Wouldn’t denying this be the real harm to children? To us all?

Thank you for taking the time to read through this reply, which became quite lengthy. Happy to engage further if you ever want to sit down over a cup of coffee.

I hope this finds you and your family well.

g.

Dec 3, 2024 

Galen,

Do you have children? 

My concern is not what adults do and how they communicate amongst themselves. 

I’m a bit confused by your comment about unexamined conventions. Are you suggesting that gender—an objective reality, regardless of preferences—falls into that category? 

My concern and position is pure and simple. Pronouns are an advanced concept, both linguistically and in this case, philosophically. The son I was considering enrolling is 5. He doesn’t know if there really is a BoogieMan or if cartoons are real. He’s working on writing his name but doesn’t really know the full alphabet and how the letters interact, let alone these abstract ideas. Do you truly think it’s the right environment to introduce these complex and nuanced matters? 

There’s a time and a place, but this isn’t it. It’s wildly inappropriate both in subject and context, especially given the audience. In retrospect I think we will see this whole idea of a tiny subset of our overall population trying to force a rewrite of the rules of communication for everyone, the same way we see many of the things that have good intentions but don’t end well, like affirmative action. Identity politics don’t foster inclusion. They divide. 

Kids should be kids as long as possible. They will have to navigate sex and gender when they enter that phase. There’s no equity in accelerating that. 

And it should be done with respect for the parents who may also choose to allow these things to unfold on their own, instead of having the local dojo introduce these confusing issues before they even understand what gender is.

Thank you,

**

Dec 4, 2024

****,

I wonder if we have arrived at the real rift in our understanding. I cannot figure out what you mean in defining gender as an objective reality. The only thing I understand to be objective about gender (norms, expectations, etc) is that they vary wildly between cultures and over time within the same culture. A brief survey of our own country’s history will show that the rules are in fact being written and re written constantly. It’s perhaps no small part of what could make us great. 

Importantly, it is also my understanding that the conversation about gender has nothing to do with sex, sexuality, or sexual expression/preference, which I agree would be strange subjects to bring up with children at a local dojo. 

Perhaps this mixing of terms (sex and gender) is the source of our mutual confusion. It does seem we are aligned in wanting to protect our children. I am happy to continue to provided space for the number of queer, trans, and non binary adults and children who have found our dojo and practice there, alongside other people who believe they have a right to exist. 

I appreciate you taking the time for this exchange. Perhaps the epistemic rift here is too great to navigate much further, though the door on my end is always open. 

best,

Galen

Wed, Dec 4, 2024 

Hi Galen,

The rift is simply a matter of age appropriateness for the subject matter, and the venue in which it’s being dispensed. Among adults, all good. Among young children, too much, too fast, too far. Do you want to be the first place that some children are introduced to these ideas? Are you trying to empower individuals or advance a social agenda? 

The unintended consequence of being inclusive in this manner, is that you’re actually creating a place that’s only accommodating to those who share your specific view on these things, or who are too sheepish to say anything. If you call that inclusive, then I would suggest that this is the deeper, less obvious and more pernicious rift. 

Thanks for your patient and thoughtful responses. The best part of America remains, which is that there’s something for everyone. I hope you continue to build a community which resonates with your values.

Best,

**

Wed Dec 4, 2024

****,

Yes, I'd say we are a community that takes seriously the ideas we put forth to our members, and that one cannot hold a position without advancing a social agenda. As far as inviting students to include pronouns in their introductions, this is something we began in response to requests from both adult students, and the parents of youth students who did not want their children to have to be misgendered in yet one more space. It's interesting to me that the prospect of these children feeling excluded from spaces that do not acknowledge their pronouns, and the real dangers we know this can present to them in the world, does not concern you.

I also appreciate your patience in teasing out some of the threads here, and hope similarly that you find a place for you and your son to practice!

best,

g.